It wasn't really a huge shock when I got the call on Wednesday. After 2 very long weeks, some of the same symptoms and some not. I wasn't trying to be the pessimist - I was desperately trying to remain optimistic while still being realistic. Not letting us get our heads too far in the clouds, because that would be a very long fall back down.
I couldn't answer when the phone rang in the middle of a reading lesson. My heart was beating quickly and I was dreading the little "voicemail" notification that was looming on my screen. But, in a few quick moments I listened and learned what I thought I knew was coming. The Beta was negative. I am glad to know, was glad the wait was over, but was really hoping that this one would be the one.
We are now out of frozen embryos, so will be going back to a second round of IVF. This means the injections that overstimulate my ovaries to produce more eggs, the bloating, the cramping, the constant desire to wear elastic pants.
But, it will be worth it one day. One day it will work.
We meet with our doctor again at the end of this month - to discuss our past year and to create an aggressive plan of action for the next round. I am looking forward to this meeting. We always leave that office feeling powerful, in control, and optimistic without even a doubt looming.
I want that feeling back. Every cycle is a blow. We have it in us, we can do this - but not without feeling a hit every time we have to know our latest cycle didn't work.