Third Eye Poke

So today was my third trip to the acupuncturist. I have to admit that I was somewhat of a skeptic, which is probably why it took me so long to make my first appointment. Alas, I am grateful that I made the appointment, and the ones afterwards. Mentally, it is so relaxing and refreshing. I leave that office feeling calm and energized. So, I will keep going. She knows where I am in our cycle, what is upcoming, and her support during each visit is reassuring. I overheard a phone call she had today with another client - some woman who just called to celebrate the embryo transfer. With her acupuncturist. Ahh.

As I lay there and she pokes me and twists needles, she restates the purpose of why I am there and just makes the most calming, positive statements and affirmations. Even the "zings" of certain points of entry slowly fade away as I lay there. So strange to me, still...

So, back to the technical stuff. I just received our protocol for our 2nd IVF. I am currently on birth control pills, which I will continue for 21 days. After that point, my cycle will start and all of the injections and doctor visits will again be upon us. It's looking like my retrieval will be around July 24th, and transfer a few days after. (Hopefully 5 days, like last time!)

I'm absolutely not looking forward to the retrieval. I know that Dr. B is going more aggressive, as she said she thinks she can get more eggs from me this time around (like some sort of dare) - which means more bloating, more discomfort, etc., before the actual retrieval. I'm not sure if # of eggs retrieved will affect the pain. I'm hoping that knowing the after effect will help me mentally prepare better. Plus, I don't have work until late August, so I don't have to worry about rushing back. Slow and steady.

I am, however, excited about another try. Although I appreciate the breaks for my body, I just want to keep on going.

C'mon IVF #2! :)

On a Break

Me and my meds are on a break. Just like Ross and Rachel on Friends. On our break I am enjoying my glass(es) of wine, a few brews that G enjoys sharing, and (shhh....) even just a few sodas snuck in there... What can I say, it's crazy at work (testing season) and every bit of caffeine is appreciated.

I also took this time to make my first acupuncture appointment. I'm a total needle maniac now that I have had to jab myself in the butt a few times. So, finally committing to the act, I called the acupuncturist that was recommended to me, who was able to fit me right in. I went yesterday, Memorial Day (and a day off of work). Her office was so very inviting, the rooms cozy with bookshelves, homey lamps, and lovely chairs. It didn't put me off one bit that she was about to stick me with a whole bunch of needles.

She asked me a ton of questions about medical history, my RE regime up to this point, meds I have been on and will be on the next cycle, hormone levels, etc... I knew she was a specialist in acupuncture for fertility (or infertility) - but I was still pleasantly surprised by her thoroughness. It was also nice to know that she has seen many patients from Dr. B - and in fact, had one in another room "cooking" while we were talking.

Other than that it was fairly uneventful - she put needles along my arms, stomach, and legs, as well as one in my forehead for relaxation. She then walked me through a breathing exercise - she had the most calming voice, and with my eyes closed it was easy to become comfortable laying there with a bunch of needles sticking out of me. I laid there for, well, I don't really know how long. She came in to check on me and to twist the needles, wave her hands over the ones on my stomach (it tickled), and to make sure I wasn't getting too antsy or agitated - which, I suppose happens to some newbies like me. I, on the other hand, was an acupuncture pro. (ha!)

I thought to myself, as I laid there, "What the heck am I doing? This is ridiculous." I didn't feel any different, I had this itch on my nose that I couldn't wiggle out of, and I was starting to feel kind of silly laying there with these teeny needles jabbed all over.

Then, she came back in to remove the needles from me. She left the room, letting me get up at my own pace to get redressed and ready to leave. It was at that moment, the moment I stood up, that I just felt. I felt energized and comfortable. I felt relaxed. I just had this wonderful feeling about the whole thing. And then, all that silly feeling melted away. For now.

I go back on Monday. I am looking forward to the great conversation as much as the acupuncture itself. Although, I am still a little nervous about the needle thing.

We also had a recent meeting with Dr. B. The plan is intact, we will start BC pills in about 2 weeks to start the next cycle. They will be more aggressive with the dosing of the meds, and we're changing the repertoire a bit, but nothing drastic. She's sure that we can get more eggs on this retrieval by being slightly more aggressive with the meds. I hate the retrieval part, so if we can get more and lesson the chance of me going through this part again, I'm all for it.

So, in this lull.. in this "break" - I am enjoying things both related to baby-making, and not. I will enjoy it while I have it.

Rolling with the Punches

and the plan.

It wasn't really a huge shock when I got the call on Wednesday. After 2 very long weeks, some of the same symptoms and some not. I wasn't trying to be the pessimist - I was desperately trying to remain optimistic while still being realistic. Not letting us get our heads too far in the clouds, because that would be a very long fall back down.

I couldn't answer when the phone rang in the middle of a reading lesson. My heart was beating quickly and I was dreading the little "voicemail" notification that was looming on my screen. But, in a few quick moments I listened and learned what I thought I knew was coming. The Beta was negative. I am glad to know, was glad the wait was over, but was really hoping that this one would be the one.

We are now out of frozen embryos, so will be going back to a second round of IVF. This means the injections that overstimulate my ovaries to produce more eggs, the bloating, the cramping, the constant desire to wear elastic pants.

But, it will be worth it one day. One day it will work.

We meet with our doctor again at the end of this month - to discuss our past year and to create an aggressive plan of action for the next round. I am looking forward to this meeting. We always leave that office feeling powerful, in control, and optimistic without even a doubt looming.

I want that feeling back. Every cycle is a blow. We have it in us, we can do this - but not without feeling a hit every time we have to know our latest cycle didn't work.

4 Days Post Transfer and I Feel Fine

...and trying not to read anything into the tiny signs.

Tired? It's rainy and gray outside. Who's not tired during that weather?

Crazy irritability? (at G drinking from a cup in the car too many times - the pick and and put back of the cup had me heading over the edge). I will explain this away by just stating that it was truly annoying. Okay, okay - and probably b/c of my tiredness and the fact that I'm still injecting notable amounts of hormones into my butt every day.

When that bra fits - the one I had to buy a few short months ago because of a little extra unexpected "growth" - then, perhaps, I will have my first true sign that this will be a positive.

But, honestly, for now - it's just a day to day wait. Wait-and-try-not-to-think-about-it.

10 days.

Picture

This is the image they give us as we're doing the 5 minute rest after the transfer. They present us with the form we filled out when we arrived - listing the number of embryos being transferred, how many we have left in cryopreservation, etc. Then, of course, they hand us this image of the ones they transferred.

They said they both look great - as if they'd never been frozen - but I can't help but notice a remarkable difference between the 2. I believe that "halo" around them is called the zona, but I'm not positive if that's true or if it has more of something to do with the fluid they are in. I can clearly see the mass in the embryo on the left - which will eventually (hopefully) form into a fetus - but can't see it in the one on the right. But hey - I trust those doctors. After all, they went to school for this stuff, while I depend on Google. :)

Show Time

We're awake, we're showered, and G is even in there shaving as I type. Today is the big day. The day we enter that room with the dimmed yellow lights, the lazy-boy-esque chair in Dr. version, and the lone chair for the Mr.'s of the world. The screen on the monitor is a snow-filled triangle, empty until they're ready.

I think the strangest part of the process is the dual door system. We enter and the Dr's enter from one door - the front door. The back door is passage for only one person - the embryologist. No one is allowed to go back there, and if the Dr. opens it, he/she is only allowed to open it a crack and yell a series of words - something sounding like a football play. Then, from deep within the music filled room (they play various types of music for all the embryos to enjoy) - we hear someone yell the same play back as a confirmation. Last time when we had a showroom of people, the intern opened the door more than a crack, started to step in - at which point both the ultrasound nurse and the Doctor began to panic and sputter out half-word commands to get her to come back inside.

Must. not. enter. Foot. Stay. No. Back. Yell.

I'm fighting the urge to wear sweatpants in public, as it's a chilly and rainy day out. I have them laid out for me when I get home. G and I will be back in no time to spend the rest of our day in bed watching movies. And, of course, me blogging some ridiculous thing that happened - most likely while they were in the middle of the work "down there."

It's like first scene of Act I. The Beginning. (Again).

Let the Positive Thinking Begin

Injections, check.

Crazy hormones, check.

Crying at lame TV shows, check.

And finally we are arriving at the big day. I had my pre-transfer (mid-injection schedule) lining and E2 check on Friday. Everything is looking good - which means that I'm getting all stocked up on lining to hopefully hang on to those 2 embryos. Those LAST 2 embryos that we have cryopreserved. We have decided to go ahead and put them both back again. We're hoping that at least one of them hangs on in there. I'm not even going to think about repeating the IVF egg retrieval process. Not yet.

Our scheduled transfer will be on Wednesday. Due to our last experience during the transfer, I will sip my water only right before the transfer - instead of drinking the entire way up to the center. No need to put myself through that debacle again.

We are excited. And nervous. I keep playing the last transfer through my head, and the day it ended. The signs. What I ate. How I felt. Where I was. I am not going to let it control me, but I do want to continue to be aware to what my body is telling me. And take it a little easy for a bit.

So, keep your fingers crossed. We'll post after the transfer (just in case there's a story there somewhere!) ha!